We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
