when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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