just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize