It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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