she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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