True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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