11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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