Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
