Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
