I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
