How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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