I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Im part way to drunk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
