Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
