I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
