i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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