jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Two words: blizzard sex
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
