I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
