I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
