I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
