Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
