You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
