i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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