his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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