it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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