I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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