im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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