Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
