when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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