too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
