zippers are such a cool invention
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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