so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
