Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
