Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
