Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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