i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize