i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
