Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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