Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
