a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
