I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
