You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
