even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want nice things and good sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize