I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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