walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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