can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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