I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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