It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
