She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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