my phone needs a breathalizer
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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