i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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