I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
