I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
