If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize