So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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