Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
