Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
