I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last time i carry you out of a forest
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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