I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
