My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
